Gotta love this cheat sheet on Nicholas Cage and his movie debuts! Rrooff!!!
Nicolas Cage is back in theaters this weekend. Here’s how to tell if you’re about to watch a bad Cage flick.
Check the Hair
There’s a direct correlation between the length of Cage’s locks and the quality of his movies. As a rule of thumb, if the hair’s short (Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, Bad Lieutenant) then you’re on to a winner. But if it’s long, greasy and swept back behind his ears (Con Air, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Next) then you’re watching a bad Nic Cage movie.
Is he wearing a vest?
If the role requires Cage to bare his well-chiseled midriff, don’t waste your time. Likewise, if Cage is in any way called upon to take on the action-hero mantle, dispatching faceless goons with an arsenal of firearms (National Treasure), martial arts (Bangkok Dangerous) or a magic sword (Season Of The Witch) — run for the hills. In short, if his physique resembles anything other than a Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin then you’re probably watching a bad Nic Cage movie.
Can he see into the future?
If Nicolas Cage has dug up a time capsule that predicts global catastrophes (Knowing), or he’s playing a cheap Vegas showman who can see into the future (Next), then you too can go all clairvoyant and predict that you’re about to waste the next 90 minutes of your life watching a bad Nic Cage movie.
Is he in the army?
If the answer is Yes? Don’t even bother.