Tag Archives: funny

Britney Spears Beaten Up, Jay Leno Steals Taylor Swift Gag – The Toast

Not to sound inappropriate, but I’d love to Toast you right now. You game? Here’s what the celebs did that’s mock-worthy this week.

Star Gazing

Audio has leaked of a phone call in which Britney Spears supposedly admits her boyfriend Jason Trawick treats her like a punching bag. Star Magazine broke the story and RadarOnline released the clip, which Britney’s camp adamantly denies is real. You be the judge.
Stevie Wonder dropped by Larry King Live to wish the newsman a happy post-show career. The soul legend spontaneously broke into song and even admitted if he were a woman, he’d make out with Larry…there’s your ebony and ivory.

Tube Talk

Jay Leno is facing accusations of stealing a Taylor Swift joke. The Tonight Show host played a montage of Taylor’s surprised awards show reactions without initially giving credit to the video’s creators, fourfour. After a little online rally, however, Jay buckled and gave the blog its due.
The aforementioned Larry King could be headed to an improv club near you! Mister King told New York Magazine after his December 16 exit from CNN he’d like to launch a comedy tour, saying he’s always fancied himself a funnyman.

Reel World

Need a little Kung Fu in your life? Check out The Warrior’s Way. This flick stars Dong-Gun Jang as a swordsman on the run from the man he once considered a mentor. None of that’s important, though. Blood and swords…now go.

All that and plenty more awaits. Feel free to share the link when you’re finished!

Why Men Are Happier than Women!

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Mr. Stupid, and Sh** for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Top Country Songs If Written By A Mom!

I love country music and I especially love some of the titles of the songs. But what if the songs were written by moms? What would some of the popular songs you know and love (and we play here on WIL) be titled if a Mom had a say in it? Well I couldn’t help myself! Boy, I came up with a lot, but lucky for you I narrowed it down to only the Top 10 Country Music songs if written by a mom:

#1 “Jesus Take The Wheel, And My Kids While You’re At It”

#2 “Cowgirl Don’t Cry: But Mama Might If You Don’t Clean Your Room”

#3 “Cleaning This Gun: Cuz I Just Saw Your Report Card

#4 “Roll With Me Down The Grocery Aisle, And NO You Can’t Have That!”

#5 “Already Gone, on my 3rd field trip this week

#6 “All I Wanna Do: Is Take A Long Nap!”

#8 “Waitin’ On A… Man to change the kids diaper!”

#9 “Pain At The Breast Pump

#10 “Good Time…cuz we got a babysitter!”

Okay, hope you didn’t cringe too much! I do this vlog webshow where one of the things I write are top 7 laundry lists (http://www.lipsticknlaundry.com/) so I couldn’t resist blogging this one. More to follow (what…are you cringing again??)

HANDY HOME REMEDIES!!!

Here at the Big Dawg’s Bunkhouse show, we’re all about helping our listeners save time, keeping safe, and working smarter. So we now present some Handy Home Remedies:

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.

Just checking to see if you are reading this blawg! HAHAHAHA!

The Mom Song Anthem

If you haven’t seen this yet, watch! If you have, it’s worth watching a few more times! Anna Roefrend is her name and she is so talented and funny, I think I’ve watched it five times and still get a kick outta it! Whether or not you’re a mom, it’s funny! It’s a day in the life of a mom sung to the William Tell Overture in about 2 minutes!

Enjoy!

WIN – Swing Vote – on DVD!

Click the contest tab above for your chance to win SWING VOTE on DVD! To check out the trailer just click the video tab above.

Kevin Costner stars in SWING VOTE, a clever, feel-good “landslide comedy winner. So funny and inspiring, you’ll stand up and cheer!” (Pete Hammond, Hollywood.com).

Bud Johnson’s an ordinary dad drifting through life, caring about nothing except his overachieving daugther Molly. Trying to encourage him to get involved, Molly accidentally sets off a chain of events on Election Day that ends with the presidential race coming down to one vote — Bud’s. Comedic chaos ensues as Kelsey Grammer, Dennis Hopper, Nathan Lane, Stanley Tucci and George Lopez give all-star support in a witty and uplifting film that’s “charming, funny, smart, touching and profound!” (Scott Mantz, Access Hollywood).

SWING VOTE is available on DVD and Blu-Ray Disc, Tuesday, January 13th and is rated PG-13.

Wanna laugh?

Nothing is more opposite than a cat and a dog. You have your hot and cold, your sun…your moon…fast…slow…young…old…how much more different can you get than a cat and a dog.

Dogs talking caught on tape!

So many people make the investment of purchasing a video camera and never use it…I’m guilty too. If you have children or pets a charged up video camera is a must. You don’t want to miss your dog talking!

Click here

Here are some runner-up stories from the Thanksgiving contest.

One Thanksgiving my brother and I were on our way to my grandparetns house. Unfortunately on the way he hit a squirrel. This didn’t kill the squirrel and my brother thought the human thing to do was to scoop this poor critter up and take it to the vet. Well, being Thanksgiving vets offices are closed, but he drove all over trying to find a vet’s office. Now, not only was I thinking he was a little strange trying to save this rat with tail, I wanted to get to my grandparents for that wonderful dinner. He had driven to about 5 different vet’s office and was about ready to give up and remember one more. On the way he sees this poor lass hitch-hicking and decides he is going to give him a ride. The hitch-hicker graciously accepts the ride and my brother and him make small talk. I guess this guy finally looks over on the floor board next to him and say: “Um, do you realize you have a dead squirrel in your behind your seat?” Well, my brother decided to be the comic he thinks he is and says: “Yes, that is all we could afford for our Thanksgiving dinner!”

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Momma’s last Thanksgiving. My mother was always the head of the family. She would spend the entire month of Nov. getting ready for Thanksgiving, cooking pies, getting the ingredients to her stuffing. 4 years ago Mom had a massive stroke, that took her speech center and she retained only the use of one hand. This happened in August. When Nov. came around I knew she would be very sad not to be able to make her memorable Thanksgiving Dinner. I was determined to keep the family traditions and bring together that Thanksgiving Dinner. I had my entire life helped her with the shopping and preparing the food. So I told her I would keep her traditions alive and do all the things she did. She smiled at me and patted me on my face (one of her only ways to communicate now). On the day of Thanksgiving, as I was preparing the stuffing, I began to cry because I could not remember all the ingredients. Mom had never written down the reciepe. My sister and I tried to list them all but I knew something was missing. Mom was sitting in her wheel chair in the living room, she started to make noise and point to the kitchen. My brother brought her in. She scanned the kitchen counter at the ingredients and started to point to the spices cabinet, he wheeled her over and she started to take out the missing ingredients and line them up on the counter. She turned to me and smiled and motioned me to come close to her, when she patted the side of my face and pulled me close to her and kissed me on the forehead. It brought tears to my eyes to know that no matter what she wanted us to know she still was in there and could assist in making Thanksgiving Dinner. I have never since then forgotten the ingreidents to her stuffing. Once a year my younger sister will call me about a week before thanksgiving and say do you have all the ingriendents? I will smile and say how can I forget! That was Mom’s last Thanksgiving as she passed away the following year in July. I carry on her traditions and know she is happy to know we remember!

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When I was a kid, my family used to be in the Thanksgiving parade downtown every year. Our job was to escort Santa during the parade. My dad was the “head elf” that rode on the sled with the Big Guy. I remember one year better then the rest because I was dressed up as a gingerbread man. My husband ,who I was engaged to at the time, was a toy soldier. We had a ton of fun that year in the parade, but the most fun was the ride home afterwards. My husband had a convertable. It was cold, but we put the top down and rode all the way from downtown to Florissant still in full costume. The looks on the adults faces and the excitement on kids faces when they saw us was so much fun! I must have waved the whole way home to one person or another! I loved being in the parade and it is one of my greatest memories as a kid. It was very hard when we no longer escorted Santa, but I will have all those memories for many years!

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My most memorable Thanksgiving was when my youngest daughter Chloe was born. She was born premature and came home only a couple days before Thanksgiving of 2003. She has a rare genetic disorder and can catch illnesses easily. She stayed home with her father and I took my oldest daughter Courtney to my mother’s for our family get together. My Niece Becca had surprised me and wrote a holiday prayer for us to say before we all ate. It goes……Here is a prayer I would like to say before dinner. “Here we are today giving thanks to God for all the good things he has gave to us like Thanksgiving and Chloe for letting her stay with us, and for the rest of our and (her) life. She is a prayer we should pray for every night. My niece Becca wrote that and it still brings tears to my eyes. Then my daughter Courtney had everyone go around the room to say what we are most thankful for. I am not most thankful for my family helping me with my special needs daughter that has been a miracle to us all. Thank you!!

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Nine years ago today (11/20) at six months pregnant I gave birth to a baby boy, Korbin. I had been in-patient at Barnes Hospital for eight weeks and upon giving birth Korbin was sent to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at St. Louis Childrens Hospital. My father and I spent everyday at Korbin’s bedside holding his tiny little hand watching as the machines kept him alive.

A few days later was Thanksgiving, I hadn’t left the bedside since his birth and was greatly neglecting my own medical needs, I hadn’t eaten and was not drinking much water. The nurses in the NICU were doing everything they could to make sure all the families took the time to go to the family lounge and have some of the “Thanksgiving Dinner” the hospital was providing to the families. I was not willing to leave the bedside so Korbin’s nurse brought me a plate from the staff lounge. The nurses had all brought in treats to share with each other since they were away from there own families on the holiday.

I know it seems like such a small gesture but it meant the world to me at the time. This nurse was away from her family spending the day taking care of my son yet she wanted to make sure that I had a Thanksgiving meal too.

This same nurse(who often cared for my son) stayed several hours after her shift was over to be with my family and I in our time of sorrow when my son passed away on Christmas Day.

The compasion of the nurses that cared for me during my eight week hospitalization and for Korbin during his short life inspired me to become a nurse. When I started nursing school I vowed to spend every Thanksgiving working so that I can make sure every family is shown the compasion that I was shown that day (and every day of his hospitalization). Nine years later this is still a very hard time of year but in memory of my son I am at work at St. Louis Childrens Hospital every Thanksgiving.

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I wanted to tell you a story about the greatest husband in the world. MINE!! My father was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2006 and had to go through major surgery, chemo, and radiation. When he was hospitalized for his surgery the doctors told us he could not live alone while he was recovering and going through his treatments. I was so

scared, I talked to my husband and he said “Don’t worry honey, we’ll make it work. By the time my dad was released from the hospital, Doug had moved our bedroom to the basement, redid the floors, got all of Dad’s necessities from his house and had them moved in and ready when we got home. He helped me through taking care of Dad, and the house, and the kids the whole time Dad was living with us. Last year, on Thanksgiving day, we had to take Dad back to the hospital, he had a severe lung infection and was in the ICU. Doug stayed with me every minute, he even spent his 40th birthday sleeping on the floor outside the ICU, keeping me together and being my rock. Unfortunately, Dad passed away the morning after Doug’s birthday on November 28, 2007. This year Dougs birthday falls on Thanksgiving Day, and even though times are tight I would really like to make this year extra special for him. He so deserves everything I could possibly give him and more.

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This is more of a heartwarming story, so to start it off……I was born to an un-fit mother who already had a child she couldn’t take care of, so when I was 1 month old, I as well as my half-sister were taken by the state and my sister and I were put into a foster care program, we were bounced from home to home going through some of the most un-thought of physical and mental abuse. It took a long time for us to be adopted because of the fact that no one wanted to adopt 2 children at one time, but in the same token, didn’t want to split up a brother and sister, well we were finally adopted and that situation wasn’t at all any better then foster homes, again through the physcial and mental abuse, but I stood strong and made it through high school and went on with my life, not looking back to the past that had filled my heart with so much hatred, so everyone from then on that tried to help me I pushed away because of being afraid of being hurt. I have always been alone because of this, and there for I have never had a true family where at thanksgiving everyone sits at a table and spends time with each other and share the love that a family is supposed to have, until this year!!! I finaly let me guard down and allowed a very special person into my life and we just recently got married July 25, 2008. We have a beautiful family together, I have 2 beautiful little step-daughters which I have taken in as my own since there father hasn’t been around since the day they were born, but this is my family and this is my first true holiday season, thanksgiving and christmas as a family, and to recieve this meal would help allow me to spend time with my family as they deserve, and I would like to let people know that just because you have had a rough past or are going through a rough time in life, no matter what it will always make you a stronger and

more driven individual in the end so keep your head up and take what life gives you and just know that you can overcome anything life throws your way as long as you keep your family close and cherish everyday that the lord gives you, cause you never know what the next day holds. thank you for taking your time to read this story and even if my family dosen’t recieve this meal, I hope that it helps someone see what they have been missing in their life……..their family!

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1944, somewhere close to the border of Germany and France. A platoon of American Soldiers get caught by surprise; machine guns firing, hand grandees exploding, tanks and men fighting on both sides. After the smoke had cleared many men lie on the battlefield and after several days, a gray haired woman trudges out to search for some food that maybe the soldiers had dropped. While searching, she hears a moaning, and finds a soldier, badly wounded, still alive. Unable to tell what army he is in or who he might

be she drags him to her barn and begins to nurse him the best way she can. After several months, the soldier still in very poor shape, she manages to cart the soldier to a US Army outpost 10 miles from her home. The soldier whether an American or German could use better care than she can give him, so they start on their journey. When they arrive, the doctors immediately begin treating the soldier and give nourishment to the woman. She reports her story and the doctors tell her they will take care of the soldier and find out who he is, then as she came, she disappears back to her home. After several weeks in an hospital, the soldier awakes and is able to let the doctors know who he is……

1944, the day before Thanksgiving, at a Missouri farmhouse. My grandparents have a surprise visitor come to their door. He is dressed in an Army Officer’s uniform, but unlike the first visit they got from another Army Officer back a few months ago, when their son was reported lost, this officer has miraculous news: Their Son Is Alive!!…

We can all give Thanks for many of the blessings that come to us. Especially, when we have lost all hope……

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Thanksgiving 1999 was like no other. We had just became foster parents for the first time and had custody of a beautiful 3 year old boy with a full head of blond curls. We were so proud and went to my mother-in-laws for 3 days at Thanksgiving. We arrived on a Monday evening with our 2 sons and our new foster son. He had a very out-going personality and was loved immediately by my husband’s family. Thanksgiving morning arrives and I get up because I can hear our foster son talking with my mother-in-law and I knew she was busy getting everything ready, she was an awsome cook. So I went in to help her. Our foster son was sitting at the bar, she had already fixed him breakfast. So I came up behind him and was talking with my mother-in-law and our foster son. While talking to him I started looking in his hair. He was always scratching his head. Oh my gosh . . right there as big as you please was a head lice!!! I almost died. I trapped it in his hair and had my mother-in-law come over and look, and she too thought that was what it was. What other bug would be in a childs hair right? So I called my sister-in-law who had worked in a classroom and seen head lice before. My mother-in-law in the meantime had killed it, but wraped it in plastic wrap and put it in the frig. while she continued to prepare our Thanksgiving Feast. My sister-in-law arrives and confirms that it was a head lice. So we call the local supermarket owner at home (they live in a very small town). He met my sister-in-law at the store and she took everything they had. My sister-in-law then checked all our heads, of course, we all had it now. So I started washing heads and sending them out to her on the back porch and she pulled out nits. I started washing all the bed linens, and anything else I

could. Dinner went on as planned. Everyone thought it was so funny, except me. I cried. As soon as dinner was over, we headed home to decontaminate our home and car. I took the 3 year old foster son to the laundry mat with me with everything in our home that was washable, while my husband and two sons stayed home and vacuumed and cleaned everything at home. The laundry mat was connected to a gas station convenience store and my foster son kept going in while I was switching loads and stealing candy. The clerks thought it was so cute they were letting him. I was getting really mad. I would pay them for the candy, then throw it away. I couldn’t let him have it. It was about midnight on Thanksgivig when we got home from the laundry mat. My husband was still cleaning, so I started helping him. The next thing I knew my younger son, then 9 years old was running and screaming. Our 3 year old was chasing him with a power drill on. By the time we got to bed at 3 a.m. on this Thanksgiving, the only thing I was thankful for was that it was finally over.

Hope you enjoyed these Thanksgiving stories…please feel free to post a comment about your favorite or add your own memory to share.

Thanks for Blawging with the Big Dawg!

Happy Thanksgiving!

RROOFF!!!!